thankfulness.

Today, as we’re gathered around the table before our Thanksgiving meal, my dad smiles and says, “I’m just so thankful that we’re all here together.”

Of course, at first, you might just think its because my brothers and I all live a few hours from home, or the fact that last year one of my brothers couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, that’s maybe one part of it.

But when my dad squeezed my hand and looked at me.. I knew that wasn’t quite what he meant.

I’ve been wondering where to start as I write about how grateful I am to be alive.

I could start by saying that my dad did months of research before buying my car. I could start by saying it was just a normal, happy day. I could start so many ways. But I’ll start it like this: I was in a car accident last February. It was the absolute worst day of my life and a day that I’ll never forget. I’ll say that it breaks my heart to think about it, and I’ll admit that it was a day that changed my life forever.

I deal with flashbacks, nightmares, and the after effects of traumatic stress. I deal with gritting my teeth as people make jokes. I deal with the thoughts causing my eyes to fill with tears. I deal with unsympathetic people. I deal with the fear every time I open my car door. I deal with all of that because I am so, so, so lucky to be alive.

Of course, I struggle with the ‘ifs.’ What if my dad hadn’t done the research? What if I’d left just five minutes earlier? What if, what if, what if. Sometimes, it caused me to question God’s plan for me.

Today, I’m beyond thankful for family, food, friends, fellowship, and faith. I’m thankful that I’m here. I’m continually changing, growing, learning, coping, strengthening. I hit rock bottom on that horrible night last February.

God has a plan, I’m sure of it now. He wanted me to tell you this story: to remind you all the be just a little more thankful for your good health this holiday season, to wear your seatbelts, and  to remember that you are absolutely blessed.

I’m here this Thanksgiving, and for that I am eternally thankful.

 

harsh words & strong foundations

Isn’t it crazy how a few words from someone else can completely shift your perspective on anything – even yourself? A few simple words. I’m always surprised.

I’m a pretty confident person; I like to think I’m pretty thick-skinned and not a lot of stuff gets to me. I’m also horrible at knowing what to say to compliments. I always end up making some sort of bad joke and attempting to laugh it off. Reversely, however, laughing doesn’t make those few simple harsh words go away, or hurt any less, or stop the overthinking in my brain.

Those thoughts of “I’m not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, funny enough, cool enough,” really, truly suck. The only person I have to be “good enough” for is myself. I know that. I know how fabulous I am. I say it nearly every day… but it’s always followed by a laugh and a smile.

It’s the words that don’t cause a laugh or smile that cycle in my brain on repeat, tearing me down.

I’m confident. Maybe not today. Maybe not because of that something that one guy or that one girl said.

But maybe, just maybe, this moment of self-doubt will help me to be more confident than I was yesterday, or the day before that. Maybe those harsh words tore me down so that I can build a stronger foundation.

 

 

 

 

quiet thoughts.

I’ve been wondering what to do with my rambling thoughts. I figured I’d try this out. I like to say what’s on my mind. I’m not sure what I have to say will mean something to you, but it might.

Word of the day: quiet. 

I’m not a quiet person. Still, sometimes, the quiet just fuels my mind and makes me wonder about everything: situations, people, relationships, the future, who’s life is changing at this very second.

As I hum to myself in the quiet of my room, I can’t help but appreciate the calmness I feel. Lately, everything has been rushed and frantic and stressful and oh-so “college.” Right now, however, I only feel peaceful and content.

So yeah, I may not always be quiet.. but I sure do appreciate it when it comes around.