My heart says go…

…but my brain screams “STOP!”


Let’s start with the positive: I absolutely, positively, face-hurts-from-smiling, belly laughter-causing, can’t describe it in words, LOVE my life lately. Of course, this is due to the amazing people in my life. My friends, boyfriend, parents, brothers, coworkers, classmates… I feel like I’m on a sugar rush. This kid in a candy store has broken into the post-Easter candy sale on Starburst jelly beans. (my favorite)

The positivity that has flooded my life lately has been exhilarating. Never before have I felt so uplifted by my friends and truly learned to love myself as others do. I am truly blessed, happy, and loved. Let that be known and shown that I am so grateful!

…With this happiness, however, comes the downward spiral of the end of the semester. Not only is the stress of classes crashing down on me, but the thought of leaving these people, this campus, and the happiness that revolves around my everyday life here at SDSU… the very thought is excruciating.

Of course, people say “We’ll see each other this summer!” And I say, “Yeah, I hope so!”

The key word: hope. Hope is the thing that allows me to persevere through my fear. Hope keeps me going.

The PTSD, the fear, the anxiety… it doesn’t go away. Sure, in the safety of my dorm with my friends, I rarely feel it. However, the second we decide to leave, to get in a car, it all comes at me full force.

I’m terrified to leave this summer, because I know that all the visits I wish I could have, I wish I could drive to, may not happen. My heart says go, but my brain screams “STOP!” because that’s what PTSD does to me. The most painful part: not only am I allowing my PTSD to control my life (and to make me miss my friends horribly), but it will hurt the people whom I love and care about so deeply.

Saying goodbye in a few short weeks will be so, so hard. I guess that’s the beauty of it. Winnie the Pooh said it best:


I hope to keep pushing past my fears each day, and I’m still continually thankful for the people in my life. It feels embarrassing to have PTSD; It’s horrible to feel like a bother. Thank you to the people who attempt to understand and are willing to make it work for me.

I’m going to soak in every last minute of these last few weeks with the people I love and revel in this amazing happiness that has come into my life. I will ride this sugar high as long as I can. The people in my life are just so… sweet. 😉



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