admitting my loneliness

Last Friday, my tank was empty, so I decided to be vulnerable. I posted on Instagram about how I’ve been feeling lately. I was nervous to post it — admitting my weakness, admitting my hurt, admitting my loneliness.

Graduate school is a strange beast — most of my friends are still here (a huge blessing) but our lives are so different. Nearly all of my friends have significant others. My roommates of two years moved out. Some of my friends got big-girl jobs, others are finishing undergraduate degrees or have demanding school work for their own master’s programs, and life has changed. Friendships I had have changed and different people have different needs in friendships. And that’s okay.

In full transparency, I love to be at home. I recharge by myself, watching a TV show and accomplishing my to-do list… but when I ran out of motivation (or grew tired of my television series) all I was left with was my empty tank. I began to realize that there were gaps in my heart that I couldn’t fill. I needed to admit I was struggling and turn to the people I love to help me out of the pit I found myself in.

Since posting this — I’ve had four separate girls’ events with friends. This weekend, I spent the entire day with one of my gal pals (who, we discovered, I haven’t really hung out with since last December!) and we had an amazing time exploring a local shopping expo, talking, eating, drinking a margarita, perusing boutiques downtown, and then catching Charlie’s Angels at the movie theatre.

Hanging with my friends this week watching movies, drinking wine, eating ice cream or appetizers or Mexican food, talking, laughing… all of it filled my cup so much more than being alone. Sure, I still had speeches and papers to grade that I wanted to finish earlier — but I needed this time spent in friendship just doing little things with wonderful people.

Social wellness is a part of my wellness — a part that I’ve been disregarding for far too long. (Luckily, I’ve been making more time with my amazing parents and the ladies at my gym are often a highlight of my days.)

However, I had to admit my weakness — which, I have many, but at this time, it was my loneliness. I was tired of being alone. I’m tired of being by myself, left out, and ‘forgotten’ … but in reality, I wasn’t doing my part either. I wasn’t sure who to reach out to or what to say or how to say it. So I posted it on Instagram because I didn’t know how to go about it — and, like I said, I’m pretty bad at asking for help.

But damn, I’m glad I did.

I need my gal pals.

I needed time away from my house, doing normal human things with people who love me and who allow us to pick up our conversations whenever we come back together.

And, I think I reaallyyyy needed the Charlie’s Angel film, because it was fantastic!

Margs & Mexican food!

Admit what you need and ask for help — wellness isn’t just hitting the gym and checking items off your to-do list. It’s feeling good.

Sometimes, you can’t feel good all by yourself.

And I’m thankful for the gals who picked me up when I was down and took that Instagram as a call to action to make plans with me — plans that weren’t made out of pity but made out of love.

I’m going to try to be that friend, too. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s not natural for me. Even when that means admitting my loneliness.

always,

Alex

GNO outfit 🙂 🙂 🙂

hey, little sis • lessons to share with younger women

I was so blessed to be the youngest of three — I have two older brothers. Let me just get that out there: I have no biological sisters. My brothers were never really the ‘rough and tough’ on me because they’re 5 and 7 years older than me… for this, I’m thankful too. I’m as girly-girl, non-tomboy as they get. They did teach me many things… like how to teach yourself to not be ticklish, how to have a thick skin and sense of humor, and that I should marry a man who is tall enough to give me hugs like they can (I mean, they’re 6’3″ and 6’6″… c’mon!) I love them dearly.

While I wasn’t given any sisters at birth, I’ve acquired quite a few along the way. The picture that’s at the top of this blog post is a letter that a “little sister” of mine wrote me during some of my dark days. It includes the 10 favorite things she had learned from me (so far). This letter hangs above my desk, so right now as I write I am inspired by her words. I have a friendship bracelet nearby that a very special 14-year-old gave me because she was a little sister to me. Nearly every month, I get Indian food with my mentorship family and it feels like a family reunion of four real sisters.

From foreign exchange sisters to college best friends, girls who are older and girls who are younger, girls I’ve traveled the world or the country with, girls I rarely talk to but shoot me DMs when they need some love or want to give me some… these are the girls that I’m so thankful to call my sisters.

And if you know me, you know… I believe in girl power so much. I think sisterhood can transcend the gals that truly feel like family and embody the greater network of women working together and championing one another. I believe in friendship and mentorships between women. I’m currently reading “Own Your Everyday” by Jordan Lee Dooley (it comes out on May 14, I got early access!) and Jordan discusses the idea of comparison between women and learning to cheer others on rather than compete with them:

“Her success is not your failure.”

Jordan Lee Dooley, Own Your Everyday

I believe that my ‘failures’ can lead to wisdom for someone younger than I. It’s happened to me! I know the women I look up to that I could always lean on to act like bigger sisters have provided me with wisdom, tools, resources, verses, quotes, songs, and advice to propel me through a tough time or encouragement and love to fuel me through the good! My mom, for example, is my biggest cheerleader, advocate, listening ear, constructive criticism provider, and best friend. She leads by example that you can use your experiences to allow younger women to benefit.

So here’s a little letter for the little sisters in your life:

hey, little sis.

There’s so many things I wish I could share with you, but the first is that I hope you always know my heart is open for you… whenever you need me, I will share my words with you and squeeze you so tight.

☆ I am thankful for all that I get to learn from you. This friendship, this sisterhood, goes both ways. I am grateful for the lessons you teach me and ways you remind me of the good.

☆ I wish I could tell you not to worry, but instead I will tell you to have faith always and that fear is a liar. Worry does not add a moment to your life, so do not allow it to hold you down for longer than a moment. Your life WILL work out exactly as it supposed to, even when you believe you can no longer go on. You can, babygirl.

☆ Confidence is sexy. Own it. Own who you are. Thrive in it.

Your purpose begins with being 100 percent you — you showing up every single day in spite of the things you believe disqualify you from trying.

Jordan Lee Dooley, Own Your Everyday

☆ Self love will take you further than being the smartest gal in the room. Self love will take you further than being the fittest gal in the room. Self love will take you further than being the prettiest gal in the room. Self love will take you further than being the funniest gal in the room. Self love makes you untouchable by unkind words, unmet expectations, societal pressures, and bad attitudes. Self love is powerful. When you love yourself, you can CELEBRATE the other women in the room because you recognize that you are also worth celebrating. Master the art, sister friend.

☆ My long-lasting piece of advice for college students applies to you as well. “You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.” Know your limits — challenge them — but never push yourself past them to the point of harming your mental or physical health.

☆ A good outfit = a good day. Baby girl… wear your favorite outfit on a day when you know you will be tested or are afraid of what may unfold. Remember your power! You are fabulous.

Sometimes it takes more guts to say the kind thing than the opposite. Rise above. This will pay back ten-fold. I have been told by women, “You may not be my favorite person, but I respect you so much for how you handled that situation.” I’m okay with people not liking me. Not everyone is meant to hold hands and sing kumbaya. If my kindness allows people to respect me, that means a lot more than if my words are poison.

☆ Falling in love is amazing. Falling out of love hurts like you’ll never feel whole again. Do not be afraid of love. Love will change you… perhaps for the best or perhaps otherwise. This is a part of your journey.

“I owe it to the person I’m going to be with to keep going and keep fighting for love, because at the end of the day that’s the only thing that will get me closer to my person.”

Katy Bellotte, Thick & Thin Podcast, Ep. 8

☆ Take care of your body: nourish it with exercise, nutrients, and sunshine. Your body is a shell for your soul. Make your soul beautiful, sweet sister, and it will shine right through your skin… but also know that YOUR BODY IS BEAUTIFUL. Never let anyone — girls, guys, the media, society — tell you that your body is anything less than a masterpiece. Treasure your body for what it CAN DO, not what it looks like.

Sis, your body is a temple, not a trophy. And only you get to decide what lens you’ll look through. To be truly free of an unhealthy mindset and harmful behaviors, you have to look at fitness and health as a part of your self-care, not a part of your self-worth.

Jordan Lee Dooley, Own Your Everyday

☆ Candles, fresh sheets, wine, good music, ice cream, gal pals, dance parties, pizza, a good cry, a sweaty workout…. all of these things can solve a lot of problems.

☆ Real talk — don’t settle for less than you deserve. If a man (yes, a man. no boys allowed) finds it in his heart to treat you like the QUEEN you are, that means he is willing to put in the work. Love is work. Marriage (from what people have told me) is work. You deserve to be loved for each and every tiny piece of your beautiful soul, sis. Your tears will not make him better. Your worth is not defined by his opinions.

Common sense told her that begging someone to stay was often the same as begging someone to love you, and she was wise enough to know that never worked.

Nicholas Sparks, Every Breath

You can be sad that it’s ending without being sad it’s not continuing. Cry it out. Then move forward.

Sometimes, choosing to walk away, even if it means breaking your own heart, is the greatest act of self love you have access to.

Rachel Hollis, Girl, Wash Your Face

☆ Lean on other people. You cannot fight against the world by yourself. Find people that believe in you, inspire you, grow you, support you, challenge you.

Look at your circle. Do you feel you have to change how you look to fit in? Is it a life-giving situation or a constant comparison game, full of drama and one-upping one another? They say you begin to look like the five people you spend the most time with. Who are your top five?”

Jordan Lee Dooley, Own Your Everyday

I looked to amazing women in my life — women that exemplify friendship and sisterhood to share their sentiments. It’s important to know that I am not wise enough as one person to provide you with all that could benefit you. Here’s some of what they shared:

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Loving yourself is one of the most important things you’ll ever do.

High school and college are each only 4 years of your life. You will move on to bigger and better things, so don’t stress the things you can’t control.

If you are going to do something with a guy, make sure you are comfortable and feel safe.

You are more than the narrative life gave you. You get to decide what defines you, nothing else.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Growth doesn’t come from comfort zones and it definitely doesn’t come from second guessing yourself.

Don’t dress up for a boy who wouldn’t dress up for you.

I spent so much time worrying about what everyone thought of me. Fuck everyone that thinks I’m not enough me. There’s only one me. There’s only one you, little sis. Don’t change yourself to fit in.

Disconnect and live your life.

Saying no to obligations doesn’t mean you’re missing out. It allows you to focus on what’s really important in your life.

Always be 100% honest with yourself. Can you really afford that thing? Save money for the important things.

Surround yourself with good people. It’s important to surround yourself with good people — people that are supportive and life-giving. Also understand that it’s okay to remove yourself from toxic friendships. Sometimes God puts people in our lives for only a temporary amount of time and that’s okay.

Buy generic brand drugs. They work the same and save you money. Don’t buy generic brand condoms.

Some people won’t like you, no matter how hard you try. Put that effort in to bettering yourself and growing prosperous relationships.

Don’t sleep in! Get up, go eat breakfast outside, go for a bike ride with friends, watch your favorite show… you’ll feel better the rest of the day and probably set up good habits for life.

Take some time to act your age.

Get to know your own body before anyone else’s. Your thoughts, emotions, cycle, hormones, etc. Knowing yourself is so important.

Plans change. This isn’t a bad thing, just a different path. So many things will happen in your lifetime that will change the course of your life in the best way. You will lose friends, and you will gain friends. You will lose opportunities, and you will gain them. So many things in your life are subject to change so don’t expect everything to happen in the fashion you expect it to. You’ll be happier for it.

Wearing makeup is only to make YOU feel good, NOT for anyone else. It’s never required!

Don’t measure your successes based on the girl next to you. We all move at our own pace!

Loyalty is important.

Have courage and be kind. It’s amazing what unfolds. 

So, there ya have it little sister. I can’t say all the words I could hope to share with you. I just hope you know that you are loved and that you have a network of sisters who hope for your life to be even more than you can possibly imagine… and when it seems like you can’t go on, I am here.

I love you.

always,

alex.

☆☆☆

If you feel so inclined, share this with someone you view as a little sister.

and as always, I’m on instagram @alexfarbie.

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Rose Colored Glasses

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“I wish you could see you the way that I see you.”

Has anyone ever heard the expression of wearing “rose colored glasses?” It means to see things in a way as if they may be better than they truly are.

With the people I love, I guarantee that my glasses are the rosiest. When you truly care about someone, everything is good. All flaws disappear, irrelevant when compared to to the beauty of that person’s personality, their laugh, the way their eyes light up with passion… The things that may frustrate you or that aren’t the prettiest aspects of their life submerge, hidden underneath all the perfectly wonderful parts.

I just wish the people I love could see themselves the way I see them. Beautiful. (or Handsome.) Strong. Funny. Passionate. Authentic. Intelligent. Wonderful.

In today’s society, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in everyone else’s ideals of beauty or perfection and being discouraged by others who are so stereotypically perceived as ‘beautiful.’ I do the same. I find myself avoiding the mirror on days like yesterday when I’m sick and had absolutely no energy to do my hair or makeup. For me, it’s always been look good feel good. When I put effort into my appearance, it makes me feel better about myself and the day ahead. People ask why I’m dressed up and I’ll respond, “It’s Tuesday!” Clothes are a way I express myself, but when it comes to doing my hair and makeup I see it as a near-necessity most days.

However, this is changing. I’m surrounded by people who constantly build me up and truly value all my quirks and flaws and parts of me that may be a little rough around the edges. I’m feeling extremely grateful lately for the people in my life who take the time to tell me the positive things, who build me up with kind words, who admire parts of me that I didn’t even know existed.

I always imagine if I could see myself through someone else’s eyes. Not a photograph, not a mirror… completely from someone else’s point of view. Someone who cares about me. There’s another saying… “keep smiling, you never know who’s falling in love with that smile.” Whether this is romantic love or friendship, I think it’s pretty true. If I could see myself through someone else’s eyes: would I love myself? Would I sit in awe of the little things I do that I didn’t even realize? Would I say, “Wow, I look so beautiful when I…”?

In one of my classes we talk a lot about self-awareness, self-image, self-esteem, and self-concept. I guess I’ve always thought of myself as a person with relatively high self-esteem. I think that I’m just a pretty strong person. I have a thick skin. I am also a person who likes to believe that I’m always right… so regardless of other people’s thoughts I still feel fabulous. (**cue Sharpay’s entrance.) 

Still, I have days where I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard to love myself and give myself the credit I deserve. That’s where the amazing people in my life come in… they wear their rose colored glasses and encourage me to be the best person I can be while simultaneously boosting my mood and filling my heart.

Surround yourself with people who love you so much and care about you so fiercely that they wear their rose colored glasses every day.  I’m absolutely certain that my glasses are on.

My springtime mission: wear my rose colored glasses when I look in the mirror. Cut out the negativity, the questioning, the worries. Surround myself with the people who care. Have fun, have faith, and keep smiling.

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these aren’t quite rose… but hey. ❤

•••

“The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself.What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be.”

– C. JoyBell C.

Freckles – Natasha Bedingfield